


If I Ain't Got You

by Chronicles_of_Scout



Series: Kalex 2018 [4]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Detox, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-04 04:33:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16339898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronicles_of_Scout/pseuds/Chronicles_of_Scout
Summary: Alex's life is out of control so she steals Kara away for an impromptu road trip.





	If I Ain't Got You

**Author's Note:**

> Some warnings, there is references to alcoholism and drug abuse. There is a rising epidemic in the US and the world around opiods. This is your reminder that you are worthy of help if you are suffering from addiction; that there are places that are capable of helping you get your life back. If you or someone you know has been offered an Opiod for a non-cancer or debilitating disease related issue, please consider alternatives. You are allowed to say no.
> 
> Please take care of yourselves.
> 
> Song: If I Ain't Got You- Alicia Keys

** If I Ain’t Got You **

 

When Alex shows up at her dorm at the end of the semester, with nothing but a smile, a bag, and car keys, Kara knows it’s going to be a good summer.

She stuffs all of her stuff into the trunk of the beat-up Honda Pilot that Alex had purchased off of Craigslist her first year away.5 years later and the thing was still chugging away but hardly fit for a road trip.Which is apparently what they’re doing.

A road trip.

Kara’s never been on one before, and for that matter, neither has Alex, but her foster sister seems intent on driving across 12 states to get back to Midvale.

And Kara is just so excited to be back around Alex that she doesn’t complain.

Or question where the rest of Alex’s things are.

Kara herself stores most of her stuff in the on-campus storage facilities but Stanford charges an arm and a leg for such services and so Alex had taken to moving in and out of her dorm at the end of every school year.Hence the Pilot.This year her duffel looked like it housed a few hastily backed belongings and 3 bottles of some kind of liquor.

The alcohol worried Kara; Alex had been having a rough time recently and she had received more than a few drunk texts from the woman that had left her nervous.

Her concern made Alex angry, made her lash out and drink more, so Kara tried to never show it.Just went with the flow.

Leaving Seattle, Alex directed them towards California and took as many roads close to the water as she possibly could.Kara loved it and kept her hand out the window, allowing the wind to flow around her fingers and remind her of days gone by where she would fly and challenge the birds for ownership of the skies.

She’d feel Alex looking at her sometimes, brown eyes, hidden behind dark black shades, taking in her joy and crafting a small mirror of Kara’s expression on Alex’s face.

“I’m happy when you’re happy.”Alex would say and then she’d usually find them a beach and let Kara build as many sandcastles as she wanted, the blonde marking each new construction with the words ‘Alex and Kara were here’.They’d leave when she was done, and either spend the night in the car looking up at the stars through the moonroof, or Alex would find them a cheap hotel to crash in.

Kara preferred the car; they’d cram into the back and Alex would drop the back seats so they could stretch out their legs into the trunk.Alex would tuck in close to Kara for warmth and it always felt like a finished puzzle coming together.

She understood it was more dangerous though and why Alex was more hesitant to splurge on the luxury; even though Kara was a super powered Kryptonian, she and Alex were hardly a menacing duo to the casual viewer.She’d had to use her powers exactly once a week and half in when someone had snuck up on Alex while she was arranging the backseat.

The man had slammed Alex’s front into her car, his hand holding her down by the neck while he tugged at his pants.

Kara hadn’t told Alex what she’d done with him but she stopped protesting hotels after that.

“I think I might be gay.”Alex confessed one night, a bottle labeled Johnnie Walker on the bedside table and a tumbler with the dark liquid cradled between her hands.Kara had literally just stepped out of the bathroom, a towel in her hair so that she didn’t drip all over the floor.She’d frozen in place and Alex had continued like it were a normal conversation.“I’m not sure though.I can’t… I don’t like kissing guys.I don’t like _guys_.But that doesn’t mean I like women, you know… I think I do.I like to look at women I think.But I don’t know how you tell. And if I don’t… If it’s not women either then… am I broken?”

And she’d looked so lost that Kara had dropped the towel and wrapped herself around Alex in a heartbeat.That Alex let her sent a small wave of panic through her being.“You’re not broken,” she’d insisted, a smattering of kisses to Alex’s temple following her words, “you’re figuring things out.There’s nothing wrong with that Alex.”A thought; some guilt.“You’ve spent so long learning about _me_ and my world that… you’ve never really had the time to learn about yourself.What you like and what you don’t.You might be a little late but I don’t think anyone really cares.”

“Mom will care.” Alex muttered, fingers playing with the rim of her glass.

Kara took it from her and put it on the table, cradling Alex’s face in her hands.“Your mom loves you.Whether you’re gay,” Alex flinched and Kara softened her words, “whether you’re not, whether your blue or green or an _alien_ that will never change that Eliza Danvers thinks the world of you.And so do I.”

Alex had cried that night; had brokenly explained that she was on probation and couldn’t return to school until she ‘got clean’.The pill bottles that Kara had mistaken for Alex’s prescriptions were flushed down the toilet that night as was the rest of her liquor.They’d held hands as the now discolored water swirled in the bowl washing away Alex’s temptations.

It had been a rough night.

They’d gone to Nevada next, Kara driving this time while Alex curled up in the passenger seat, sweating and trying not to vomit.

Kara learned that detox wasn’t only painful for the person going through it, but for anyone that loved them as well.

Alex looked miserable by the third day and hadn’t been able to hold anything down.Kara had checked them into a hotel and had force fed Alex chicken broth and crackers for another 3 days before things had improved.She’d stepped out for a moment on the second day when a local fair had advertised a $500 prize for a pie eating contest.

They’d needed the money since the Pilot had blown through an axle and Kara had admittedly needed a breather and some comfort food.

She’d won handily.

When she’d gotten back to the hotel Alex was gone and she’d had to track her halfway across town to a pharmacy.Alex had looked so _caught_ that Kara had almost felt guilty.

And then Alex had gotten angry, had lashed out and shoved Kara out of the store accusing her of stalking her and not trusting her.

Kara had taken it all; knowing that Alex wasn’t in complete control of herself.That this was more her own personal shame and guilt than any ill feelings she’d harbored about Kara.

But when Alex had slapped her, like an actual full palm impact that had Kara instinctively relaxing every muscle and bone in her face to _go with_ the blow… that had hurt.

Physically, emotionally, mentally.

Alex’s jaw had dropped at the sound, muted as it was by Kara’s tactics and had slapped her hands over her face, stumbling away from Kara with hasty apologies.

She’d thrown up a few moments later and hadn’t protested when Kara had taken them back to the hotel.

An awkward night had followed, each girl staying on their side of the bed and wanting to reach out but not knowing how.

Kara woke up to crying; Alex hunched over the toilet bowl as she sobbed.

Filling a glass of water to the brim she’d placed it on the floor next to Alex and had sat down across from her, back to the door.

“I can’t do this.”Alex finally whispered, pushing long hair away from her face and panting through her admission.“Kara, I’m not strong enough.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No—”

“Alex,” Kara interrupted, fingers clenching together where she’d banded her arms around her knees.“You are the strongest person I know.You can do this.If you need help we can go to—”

“No!”

It was an argument they’d had before.Kara had wanted Alex to get real professional help.To see a doctor.Alex had argued that she technically _was_ a doctor and had refused.When they’d lain together hours later, Kara’s head tucked under Alex’s chin, the older girl had allowed her fingers to trail over Kara’s arms while she whispered her confession.“I don’t want my mom to know.She’d never forgive me.”

Kara had accepted it then and she would accept it now.This was Alex’s life, it was her choice how she got clean.

“Then tell me what you need.”

Alex had blinked hazy eyes at her and Kara had tried to find the woman she knew in there.It was a hard task and got harder every day.“I wanna see the horses.”Alex muttered.“I don’t wanna die without…”

So, Kara had taken them to a remote spot where she’d heard thundering hooves for days.She’d parked the car on a hill and had carried Alex piggy back style to the edge of a pasture that housed the hugest herd Kara had ever seen.

Which, ok, she hadn’t seen much, but even Alex had been impressed.

They’d lain on the grass, a light drizzle soaking them straight to the bone and watched the horses play and run and dance.

Alex had rolled over onto her, her nose cold on Kara’s neck and her leg a comforting weight over Kara’s hip.

“Thank you.”She had whispered.

And Kara had glanced down, seen warm chocolate and a sleepy smile and had _seen her Alex._

“You’re welcome.”

Alex’s detox had ended a few days later and she’d resumed her role as driver.

They’d gone to the Grand Canyon and had both screamed their pain into the void.At dark, when the sun had set and there hadn’t been a human heartbeat for miles, Kara had flown them over the whole thing, Alex wrapped tight in her arms.

That night they’d pigged out on junk food only; finding a 24-hour mini mart and buying whatever they wanted.

They’d powered through 3 movies and Kara had broken out the home massage kit that she’d purchased with a portion of her contest winnings.

Alex had been drowsy and happy by the time she was done and so maybe hadn’t meant what happened next.

“How do you tell someone you love them on Krypton?”

Kara told her, her Kryptonian still flawless after all these years but Alex had made a noise of protest and wiggled until she was laying on her back, Kara essentially straddling her hips while Alex was naked from the waist up.

“I already know that.”The brunette protested, “I mean how do you tell them you might want to marry them one day?”

“Ah.”Kara understood.“To announce your intentions.”

Alex nodded and Kara shrugged.

“You state your petition.If they accept then you bring it to your parents who will bring it to the matricomp for compatibility.”

Smiling dopily, Alex had sat up, her arms circling Kara’s neck as she leaned in and kissed her gently on the corner of the mouth.“I would like to petition you Kara Zor-El.I think I might be worth something now.”

“Oh.”To say Kara was shocked would be an understatement but she considered her options carefully.

Love was something that developed slowly for Kryptonians, when they were paired there was rarely a love attached to the marriage.That came with time.

She already loved Alex.

And not in the way she loved Kal it was… 

She wanted Alex happy; wanted to be the person who _made_ Alex happy.Always.

Their genders didn’t matter to her.

Which is how she found herself kissing Alex back, her hands smoothing over the soft skin of Alex’s back.“I accept your petition Alex Danvers.”

What followed was weeks of bliss.

Well mostly, they still had a long way to go to Ohio and Alex was apparently taking her petition seriously.Kara had been woken up to loving kisses, breakfast in bed, and pre-dawn walks nearly everyday since.Watching the sun rise while Alex Danvers pressed kisses into her shoulders and neck, arms wrapped snuggly around Kara’s waist, was… a revelation.

It was unquantifiable.

Alex almost relapses in Iowa.Kara had been talking to a woman at a flea market, admiring her handmade necklaces when she’d lost track of Alex.

It had been a tad difficult to find her with the crowd of people but when she had, Alex had been with a group of adolescents who looked like they’d seen better days.One of them, a short female with dirty blonde hair and red rimmed eyes, was holding her hand out to Alex, something clearly in her palm.

Kara had watched as Alex had taken it, fingers swirling the small white pill around, eyes slightly glazed over.

And then she’d closed her eyes as if physically pained and had pushed the pill back into the girl’s hand.

When she’d stumbled out of the alley, Kara had caught her and they’d gone to the local library where Kara had tracked down an AA meeting.

Alex hadn’t wanted her to go in with her so Kara had dutifully waited outside, not listening in just waiting in the car for Alex to return.

Alex hadn’t been happy when she’d gotten back.

Kara hadn’t cared.

It was decided that Alex could go to the meetings as often as she wanted, but needed to go at least once a week until her cravings were better.And, barring that, she would need to see a therapist weekly to aid in her recovery.Alex had balked but Kara had remained firm, “these are the new conditions of my accepting your petition.Do you accept them?”

Alex had.

“I love you Alex.”Kara admitted, the first time they had admitted such romantically, “I need you here with me.”

They’d gone back to Midvale.

Eliza had remained clueless and in less than 2 weeks Kara was already back at school.

Alex stopped calling as much and when she did she was vague and would often rush Kara off the phone.

Kara tried to help, to remind Alex that she was there for her whatever she needed, but Alex would only get angry and say she wasn’t using.And then that anger turned to exasperation and then silence.

It had hurt.

Kara tried not to let it get to her and buried herself in her studies.

…Lena Thorul kissed her at a party on Halloween.

Kara hadn’t asked her to and had been quite shocked when it happened.

Everyone had cheered and she’d been escorted into a closet for some reason.

Lena had kissed her some more and Kara had felt cheap.

She’d left Lena and the party and had laid in her bed and cried.

When Alex calls her a week later, the story tumbles out of her.She’s angry because Alex had been ignoring her; and hurt because Alex had left her alone after petitioning for her hand; and she’s confused because kissing Lena had felt wrong even when she and Alex were clearly not on the same page.

Alex had listened and then hung up.

Any subsequent calls by Kara had gone unanswered.

When Kara goes home for Thanksgiving it’s just her and Eliza.It’s a surprise because she had thought Alex was still in Midvale.Another lie.Another betrayal.

Kara is silent as Eliza pulls into the driveway and goes straight to her room.

She sleeps the entire Wednesday and on Thursday morning wakes up early to help Eliza prepare.

Eliza is in rare sorts when Kara joins her.

“Everything has to be perfect.”

Kara doesn’t understand why.It’s not like Alex would care even if she did show up.

She’s _so_ not bitter.

A white car pulls up to the house right after noon and Eliza rushes out to the yard.

Alex steps out of the passenger seat and a tall black man in a polo shirt and cargo pants rounds the car.He and Eliza speak while Alex listens and Kara spies on them from the kitchen window.

Then Alex’s eyes turn to meet hers and Kara knows she’s been caught.

Alex excuses herself from the group and walks towards the house.

Kara contemplates a move to Yemen.

She flees to her bedroom instead.

Alex joins her of course, but makes no move to touch her, going to her own bed instead.

They are silent and Kara fiddles with the hem of her shirt to fight her anxiety.

“I need to say some things and I need you not to say anything until I’m done ok?”Alex requests.

Kara remains silent and Alex sighs as her mattress creaks.

“It’s been a really long road to get here.”Alex finally says, her voice soft but deafening in the silent room.“I don’t know what it’s been like for you because I haven’t been here and that hasn’t been fair for you and I’m sorry.”She shifts and Kara knows that she’s being stared at, can feel the heat of Alex’s gaze burning her skin.“I’m so sorry Kara.I was a mess and I didn’t know how… I thought I didn’t deserve you but I wanted to try and…”Sharp inhale, more rustling, restart.“That day I showed up at your dorm, I didn’t know what I expected but it wasn’t for you to say yes and when you did… I thought I could get you to say yes to a few more things.But I had to get my shit together.I had to offer you something real.So I showed you the drugs and the alcohol and I let you flush them.”

Kara turns her head and sees Alex is laid back on her mattress, her hands covering her eyes.She wants to say something but this feels too important.Too big.

“When I petitioned you… I was so sure I was in over my head but… you said yes again and I thought… I thought that maybe I could be happy.”Alex exhales and it’s a ragged painful thing that tears at Kara’s chest.“But then in Iowa when you saw… I knew then that I couldn’t be that person anymore.Not if I wanted to keep you happy.I never wanted you to look at me like that again.You said you loved me.”The last part was a broken whisper and Kara sat up, her feet planting themselves on the wooden planks below, fists clenched in her mattress.

“I did— _I do!”_

Alex nods, licks her lips.“I thought that too.”She admits, pauses, hesitates; apparently uncaring that Kara had broken her rule of no talking.“When you left to go back to school, I sat down with mom and I… told her everything.We found a rehab close by and I’ve been there for the past 2 months or so?I called when I could but we’re not really allowed too many phone privileges and… I don’t know I just… I thought you would wait for me.”

“ _I did—”_ Kara protests, this new information making her angry and self-righteous for some reason.

“ **I** am talking!”Alex pushes through clenched teeth, her hands fists against her eyes now and face red in fury.“I thought you would wait so when you told me that you kissed—”

“ _She_ kissed _me—”_

“Lena Luthor,” Alex said, voice rising over Kara’s, “I understandably felt betrayed.Like you were a liar and honestly a bit of a jackass.”

“Alex…”She pleads, though she’s not sure what for. _Alex_ had left, not Kara.

The fact that she’d left to go to rehab, lent a bit more credibility in her favor than Kara’s right now though.

Alex shook her head, rolled to a seated position and glared at her feet.When she looked up there was a soft look in her eyes and Kara’s breath caught.

“But you’re not either of those things.You were hurting because I wasn’t honest with you.I’d like to be honest with you now, if that’s ok?”Kara gives her a shaky nod and Alex smiles voice wavering as she starts.“My name is Alex Danvers and I am an addict and an alcoholic.I’ve been using since my senior year of college and drinking since my dad died at the end of my sophomore year of High School.My drugs of choice are ecstasy and Oxy’s mostly… some percs.I used to be drunk by 4 pm on my good days.It started because I was upset about my dad, but then it was that I couldn’t make mom happy and then it was that school didn’t make _me_ happy and I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted but I was pretty sure I wanted you and you were my sister and it was wrong so I … spiraled.Until now when I can say that I am 45 days sober.And that I am still irrevocably in love with you.”

Kara swallowed, tears blurring her vision as she nodded.45 days.Alex had used after she’d left.

There was more rustling and then Alex was kneeling in front of her, her thumb swiping over Kara’s cheek and catching her tears.“I am not your responsibility.”She murmured, “my life is mine and so are my choices.This had nothing to do with you.But I would… if you and Lena aren’t a thing and you still…”she bit her lip, ducking her head, glanced up, squared her shoulders, brown eyes strong and steady.“I would like to petition you Kara Zor-El.I am 45 days sober and in a… really good rehab and… I may not have much now but I will one day.If you would stay on this journey with me I promise you the _best_ parts of me.”

So, Kara kissed her.

Obviously.

Because that had clearly been the next reasonable reaction.What else had Alex expected of her?They’re both crying when Kara finally pulls away, Alex’s lips swollen and red from Kara’s assault.

“I love you Alex Danvers.”She murmurs between soft lingering caresses, her teeth nipping at Alex’s plump bottom lip.“I accept your petition.”

Alex’s breath hitches and she surges into Kara, wrapping her up tight.“I promise I’ll do better this time.I won’t screw it up.”

Kara breathes her in, thanking Rao for this turn of events.“I won’t either.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> And then Eliza welcomed J'onn in and they all had thanksgiving dinner as a family and Alex didn't have to repress and graduated with her PhD and Kara didn't have to worry so much and went on to work for Cat Grant and they all lived happily ever after.
> 
> The end.
> 
> ~Chronicles


End file.
